because they dont have any!!! In the jungle!!... No Internet!!We began the journey with a Flight out from La Paz to Rurrenbaque. The flight takes approxamately 45 minutes with the alternative being a 14 hour trip by jeep. We decided on the flight and saved our rationed Vallium. The trip was fantastic and finally we landed literally in a field. It was so hot but it was the real South America that we were getting. That night we booked ourselves into a Brothel stroke Hostel as every other place was booked out. It was filthy and they clientle matched. Out that night and purposely got hammered so that I couldnt cry myself to sleep.
Our group met up the following day consisting of 8 Germans, 1 Danish & 1 Turk. We set off on a three hour jeep journey and a one hour, two stroke engine boat journey to our lodgings down the river.
Now, I´ll begin the next story by saying that the area was complelety exotic to us. We hadnt seen anything like it before, with different types of animals, plants, trees etc. Along the jouney everyone was decsribing what they had heard about the Pampas from their friends who had taken the trip previously, with tales off Man eating Monkeys, Crocodiles, Piranas.. You name it, it was like a who´s who off dangerous animals. We were all a bit apprehenisve but timidly excited about what we were gonig to see. Along the way we stopped at a eatery before getting on the boat. Each of us slowly unboarded the jeep and sat at a large table. As we were tucking into our food , my travelling companion, again, our hero, Brian Gormally, spotted some fur climbing up his leg. He leaped between 4/5 feet out of his chair and on descending he punched the animal clean into the mouth. The baby cat, or better known in these parts as a small Kitten, fled in pain and returned to it´s owner. One local was strecthered from the place and could be heard still laughing in the back as the ambulance took off.
Gorms immeaditley set about pursuing the dominat male position in response to the episode above by hogging the seat at the top of the boat, climbing trees and with full gusto, farting without apology. Dieter and Hans baptised the man ´Zee Trumpet´ with admiration at his talking arse.
The Pampas is one word - beautiful, end off story. The 
river contains all exotic animals - Crocodiles, Piranas, Torturles, Dolphins. The heat was immense and the mosquitos were hungry, unbeliveably hungry. I suffered seventy percent bites to my body on the first night. We had bought a limited amount of Deet but it was the good stuff, the rolls royce of insect deterrent. We had promised each other we would ration it and only apply it to the riskiest and most important pieces of our body. We kept a close eye on each other and were always, always knew which bag it was in at any time. During the boat jouney, whilst I was applying the liquid gold, the Danish lad caught my eye and politely asked if he could have some. I glanced at Gorms, and 
in a moment of charity and stupidness I handed the spray over. The Dane sprayed it everywhere, all over his body, and I mean all over his body, even where he had his clothes on... At this stage, Gorms had erwiggd the sound of dispening spray and glanced over. On his second glance he stared at me - I had seen this look before.... It was the sort of look that a person wears when they notice someone they hate walk into a bar but can only warn a friend by a facial expression. Its when the eyes start bulging and the lips shrink. The muscles clench and the skin begins to turn red. Sweat starts to deposit through the pores in tiny beads. We didnt talk untill dinner that night.
Gorms suffered none, not one bite, and I can only believe they were off-putted by the smell and they thought he was a pubesent gorilla. The next day we went hunting for Anacondas, yep, the 
fearsome snake of the Pampas Grasslands and we were hunting one.. How many we found after 3 hours walking?, not one. Gorms - now ´Zee Klass Klown´, promised the German girls a viewing of another snake to wipe away their disappointment but they politely declined after the innuendo was explained by the Dane. When we slowly walked back to the boat, another guide found a Cobra, and after we all stood round took photos, we returned to the lodge. 
That night, our guide brought us to a small house bar with a small football pitch outside. We all watched the wicked sunset after the tourists suffered a heavy defeat from the locals. The next and final day day in the Pampas, our guide took us Piranna fishing, feeding crocodiles and swimming with the Dolphins but all in the same river and all in the same spot. Those who turned down a swim were given fishing line, a hook and a small piece of raw chicken. As people dived in, lines were cast and the piranhas started to bite. One crocodile looked on the edge and decided it was too much fun to ignore and sunk into the river to come join us. Luckily the guide was a mate of his -not joking, knows the fella 15 years, owed him a tenner - and was able to divert his attention away from the white skinned europeans.
The next night was spent getting hammered again but this time it wasn´t because off the accomodation, it was the bites, huge chunks had been removed from my torso, limbs and especially my arse by the mosquitos. They wont forget me out there. Gorms, again, nada.. not one. 
The following day we travelled on a four hour journey deep into the jungle. At this stage the group had decreased to six consiting of me, Gorms and four German lads- travelling Frankfurter-fest as Gorms pointed out. (The other group had only paid to stay for 3 nights of the tour).
It was a disaster. We didnt see anything after trundling aorund the jungle for a few hours. During the hike, the guide had warnd us that they would be rain so we packed rain proof panchos into a plastic bag, as the first few drops started to descend Gorms asked for his pancho.
We still blame the other for what happened next. I passed it over and 
reached into the bag for the second. Couldnt find one. We had only packed one rain-proof jacket. We were in the Rain forrest and only one of us was going to be dry. When I looked up, Gorms had, in 0.6 seconds, put his head through the hole of the pancho and covered his entire body in the rain-proof material. His bearded head smirking at the summit of the canvas. I was furious after I had carried it around the entire trip. Luckily, the rain hadnt quite taken off and it ceased after a few mins after a light drizzle. Gorms flung back the pancho and instruced me to put it back into the bag convinced that the rain shower was over. Within 10 minutes, it began again, I immeaditley struggled myself into the pancho. The rain started and it got heavy, then it got seriously heavy. It didnt stop for two days. Constant rain. Gorms got destroyed.
That night we got back to the lodge. Gorms, and I´m not joking, tried to bribe the boat driver to take us back to Rurrenbaque last night, he´d rather stay there then stay the night with the Germans (afterall they met each other in the school orchestra).
Today, I write this back in civilisation, we left the jungle at 9am this morning after giving up on the jungle and leaving the rain. Tomorrow
we have to stay an extra night here as the flghts again have been cancelled and the the passenger lists increase. Gorms has picked out some activities for tomorrow. He´s come across a Shamen tour. Sounds good.
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